Cookies, Cojones, and Cancer....Oh My!

also titled "The Asshole In The Room"

Leave it to an advertising/technology monopoly like Google to overshadow your cancer announcement by once again bluffing on their removal of cookies thus proving what I always knew to be true…Google are all cowards, don’t care about cancer, and probably kick puppies. Okay that was harsh, and I take it back.

Basically, the AdTech industry is sitting around poking a stick at Google like a kid trying to make a turtle move. Meanwhile, the various players within the LUMAscape all have the means to collaborate and solve a lot of these issues themselves, but DSPs and SSPs refuse to talk to each other as if they were best friends who were fighting because one of them asked out the girl that the other had a crush on, but would never have the balls to ask themselves. No I’m not projecting….*Fuck you Kevin, you know who you are*

I’ll leave it to the AdTech Twitter (I'll never call it X) warriors or AdTechGod himself to solve the cookie issue. Now let’s talk about my balls….

So you’d think that the oncology team would cover all the basics of cancer treatment, as well as focusing on life after recovery, but the priorities are cancer first, everything else second. I’m not an anatomy major, but I figured that my balls are close enough to my butt cancer that they would be a little concerned with the future Cassins of America. I think they have given up as much hope in my pro-creating as my Mom has since she has now given her undying attention to my dog and she basically eats like she had a reservation at The Palm. My dad, ever the thrifty one, said we could just pop a sample into the fridge in the garage. Now for those of you who aren’t aware, my father is known as The Big Cheese, and started his own artisanal cheese business back in about 2008. We have 3 large refrigerators in the garage that are stacked with wheels, bags, wedges, and blocks of every kind of cheese imaginable. So my dad thought that the best place for my swimmers would be next to a wheel of Gouda.

When my parents asked me how long I should store my swimmers for my reaction was mostly a blank stare, as if I was expected to calculate to the month and day when I think a woman would want to not only sleep with me, but have future offensive linemen (preferably 1st-2nd round picks for retirement purposes). As if my prospects weren’t high already…36 yr old struggling ad tech salesman with sense of humor, but also high blood pressure and butt cancer. The Hinge inbox has been STACKED my friends. Thankfully, I am one of the most self-sufficient humans on the planet (except when it comes to taxes, multiplication, division, percentages, sales forecasts…) and am getting the next generation of Cassins into Carbonite this week, Han Solo style.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I wasn’t sure really how this whole cancer blog announcement fiasco was going to play out; however, the outpouring of responses and the support that I’ve felt not only from the Ad Tech community, but from friends from high school and college that I haven’t spoken to for a long while has been really humbling. I really just wanted to get this out there in my own quirky way as a way to let people know that I’m alright, I’m not backing down from this, and that I’m not gonna let this change the Cassin that you all know, though some of you may finally be able to wrap your arms around me soon. I also might not be winning any competitions at the salon in the near future, but never say never. There’s really no way of knowing how my body will respond to treatments and everything which is really the one thing I’m most scared about…not having control on the changes to my body and having something inside me that will both heal and hurt me….oh and Death. I’m really not ready to meet that Motherfucker yet….

Okay to end on a giggly note and in staying with the theme of the week, I am now going to rank my top 5 cookies that thankfully aren’t getting deprecated (but maybe some should):

5. Stella D’Oro breakfast cookies

   

   If you’re grandma didn’t have a sleeve of these around the kitchen then you probably had an awful childhood. These days a pack of these wouldn’t last 24 hours in my apartment

4. Basically any Chocolate Chip Cookie that came in a container like this

   

   Whether it was Kirkland, Costco, Wegman’s, whatever, these cookies just hit differently. Whether you were hammered at a family gathering or you just tread water for 10 hours playing Marco Polo. These were fire.

3. Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Graham Cracker

   

   Someone will probably shake their head saying that these are crackers and not technically cookies and that person probably lives alone in the basement of their parent’s home on Long Island. These put the CRACK in crackers.

2. Tagalongs

   

   Need I say more? The GOAT of the Girl Scout Cookies.

1. Double Stuf Oreos

   

   Now I have these at #1 with a caveat because me and Nabisco are in a war lately. They think me and (KFC Barstool) wouldn’t notice that they’ve been fucking around with the cream filling ratios of Double Stuf to make them almost equivalent to Standard Oreos. We have fucking eyes….and measuring tape. You can’t get anything buy me when it comes to food. Even when my mom tried to wrap cooked mozzarella cheese around asparagus to try and fool me as a kid…..I can’t be bought that easily.

Honorable Mentions:

These could also always be found at your grandparents house and these were also consumed after a long day at the pool as a kid running around with chocolatey evidence on your hands of the massacre you just performed.

Blood Drives around the world convinced me that these and an Apple Juice container could singlehandedly bring me back to life. I think I was convinced that these could also cure cancer which is why I have about a dozen boxes in my Amazon Fresh cart as we speak…..

I could have 5 or 5,000 of these it just really depended on the day, but only this brand. Anything else was absolute trash…